Binging

I've been trying to come up with the words for this post for two days. It's hard for me. This subject has always been hard for me. There are just a couple of people that I've discussed this with in my real life.

I had been doing fairly well on the eating front, until Monday.

Binge eating is an eating disorder, just like bulemia and anorexia. I've spent a lot of time over the last year or so trying to really pay attention to my body.  I don't need a doctor to tell me that I'm a binger (yes, I do self-diagnose all of the time). But it's true, and I've been trying to work on it. I had been doing well.

What I did Monday was a binge.

I was just kind of out of it Monday. One of those things where you can't pinpoint what is wrong. Just a blah feeling. I had my normal breakfast and lunch. A little candy at work.  When I left work I was on like auto-pilot, almost numb feeling. I stopped at Wendy's and got a 10 pc chicken nugget meal. Ate it on my way home and found a trash can to throw the bag and drink cup into. I had to stop at the store to get a pound of hamburger and garlic bread for our dinner at home. No problem, until I bough a large, filled cupcake. Ate that on the way home, throwing away the evidence before anyone could see it.

I then ate dinner with my family like normal. Spaghetti and garlic bread.  All of this was eaten between the hours of 5 and 6:30. I ate 40 points at dinnertime. Total I had 62 on Monday. I get 39 per day.

It's extremely hard to explain how I feel when binges like this happen. It's almost numbing. It's like I don't really realize what is happening. No real emotion. I'm just in auto.

My binges are always when I'm alone. No one ever sees the evidence. Monday was the perfect example. I enhaled it while driving, then threw away the trash so no one would see it. 

I'm not sure why it happened on Monday. Usually I can look back and pretty much identify a trigger, but nothing pops out about Monday. I feel ashamed when I binge. I want to have more self control. Maybe I'm too critical of myself sometimes?  Who knows.

Hopefully it was an isolated incidence. Actually, I'm going to do my best to make sure it was isolated. I hate the way I feel afterwards, so I don't want to keep doing it.